I had a complete meltdown.
I mean the ugly kind of uncontrollable crying, can’t find the words, feeling the rails are completely coming off, meltdown.
I felt like I was at my breaking point. Like the dam had finally burst.
And, I couldn’t take one more second of it.
That happened the day after Memorial Day in 2022.
I was crashing on a spiral nose dive into the burning flames of despair, frustration, anger, grief and just pure exhaustion.
The past three years prior (during the pandemic) felt like a complete cluster fuck. Both beautiful opening and awakening in one breath, then the ultimate shit storm a moment later.
It had been a season of remembering, unlearning, relearning, growing, falling, forgiving, healing and deep surrender.
For everything up to be explored has truly been brought up to the surface. Things I wasn’t even aware of presented themselves to be explored, experienced, and excavated. Lots of healing work, as a result.
Layers of questions to dig through.
There have been some low lows and some high highs. And then, there’s been this weird, foggy, uncertain, middle space, at times apathetic and dull, other times heavy and dense, in-between both extremes.
I feel as if I had been in the in-between more than not.
For someone who usually swings in one extreme or the other, either fully on or fully off, fully in or fully out, this unfamiliar abyss was one I didn’t know how to really navigate.
My sense of self, my hormones (I also started my journey with menopause at the same time), and my way of life seemed all twisted, tangled up, and somehow extremely unbalanced.
My center felt as if it was either stuck in one tired space day after day, or that it was vacillating so quickly that I simply couldn’t keep up with it.
I was tired, frustrated, and exhausted by all of the swings, the unknowns, the expectations, the shoulds, the responsibilities, and pretty much everything else. I so desperately wanted to call “uncle” on all of it.
All my previous systems of operation were failing me. All my habits felt stuck. All my ways of doing things felt jammed up, and like they were imploding from the inside out. I was nothing short of a hot mess.
Everything was shifting and accelerating on a cellular level. I was overly emotional (and, that’s saying a lot as I tend to be a pretty emotional person). I was having recurring meltdowns. I felt like I was out of my body, like I’d lost my mind and complete faculties about me, and like I didn’t really belong anywhere or anyplace.
I felt lost, out-of-touch, and detached.
From my own life.
I literally tapped out. I was spent and over ALL of it. I wanted an escape away from it: my life, my family, my friends, my work, my clients, and the world. After talking with a former coach of mine, who was visiting in Dallas at the time and asked me where I could go to recharge.
I recognized that this time the mountains were calling (usually I find the water being my refuge when I need to pour back into myself). So, I called a friend in Denver who had an open invitation for me to come visit.
She asked me how long I could stay.
I told her, just a long weekend. She then asked me the same question again, more deliberately this time: “How. Long. Can. You. Stay?”
This is the sign of a good friend … they can sense when you need more. They will gently push and guide you to your truth.
I hesitated, not really wanting to impose on her or be away from my sweet dog, Payton, for too long, then finally responded, “Well, I have a leadership training I need to be back for … and, I only need a couple of days to prep. So, I guess if I were really be honest, I could come for 9 days.”
So, that’s exactly what I did. I left and went to stay with her for 9 days.
I thought I was going to use that time to write, to be strategic, and to set a plan for when I got back. Wow, was I wrong. I essentially did nothing the entire time I was there. I hiked in the mountains, went to a ballgame, and spent some quality time with my friend. We binged Ted Lasso the entire weekend of the Fourth of July, then watch the fireworks from her balcony.
But, other than that … there was no work. No strategic time. And, no writing. I didn’t even journal. I would sit and read. Or, just sit and listen to music. Or, simply sit in the silence and just be.
It was exactly what I needed.
I came back, did the leadership retreat, then found myself still stalled. I wasn’t energized, motivated, or interested in doing anything. One day turned into another day, turned into a week, then ultimately two months.
Every day I would wake up and say, “Nope, not today.”
So, I spent a lot of time outside. I played. I hiked. I spent time with my aging dog and my mom (who still was currently living with me). I rested (a LOT), I read a ton of books, and I organized closets and my home.
But, I did almost no work. I was completely off social media from the end of June until Labor Day. Aside from checking posts for my birthday, I went off the grid entirely. I checked out. I even removed all social media apps from my phone during that time.
I went on a much needed, not planned, sabbatical.
And, it changed my life. Financially, the timing couldn’t have been worse … or, so I thought. I was pushing hard, driving as much business as I could. I feared going offline that long would hurt my business. The exact opposite happened. As soon as I let go on the reigns, things got super easy.
I had organic leads literally drop into my lap. I had former clients reach out wanting to re-engage. I actually had one of my most abundant seasons during my sabbatical. No one wanted to start the work until September either, but the work continued to come in.
It wasn’t until Labor Day that I felt the desire to re-engage.
I felt a fire start building within my soul that I couldn’t ignore. I was getting clearer and clearer on my mission and next level of work I wanted to be doing. It was funny, because at the beginning of the year, my phrase was: “I’m not available.” I wasn’t fully sure what that meant until I went through and came out of my sabbatical.
As things starts to shift September 2022, I realized exactly what I was not available for. As it woke me up (in more ways than one), I realized that I no longer was available for anyone’s version of who they thought I should be.
Ah, this epiphany became the birth of the Aligned As F*ck Podcast, and my entire Aligned AF platform.
And, the only way I got there was to stop, slow down, and take time away from all of it. I had not planned the sabbatical, but it was the best gift I could have received from the Universe.
I truly needed to slow down in order to speed up. I need space to tap back into what mattered most to me, and truthfully … come back home to me.
You see, we grind too hard. We are in a constant state of hustle and getting shit done. Often times, we miss the cues to slow down to rest, to reflect, to recharge, to contemplate, or to hear the whisper that is trying to redirect our course. We are so addicted to burnout and being busy, that we distract ourselves from our truest calling and purpose.
We are not here to wind and grind, burn and churn, or hustle for the muscle. We are here to activate our purest gifts into the world and do our part as a piece of the Cosmic Puzzle. Nothing more, nothing less.
How about you?
What do you need to let go of, or where do you need to slow down, pause, stop, or go off the grid yourself in order to come back home to you?
When will you give yourself space and grace to do that?
We get only aligned as fuck when we stop jacking around with our lives and change the narrative. We can only live in our authentic truth when we truly allow ourselves space for grace, to slow in order to truly speed up.