It's Not Always a Jolly Holly Holiday Season for Everyone

The holidays can be tough. 

They’re not always full of joy, laughter, and happy memories, or resemble anything close to the perfect picturesque, snow-falling, carol-singing, family hugging around the tree image depicted in a Hallmark movie. 

Sometimes they’re hard, and they just plain suck. 

I know that all too well firsthand. I’ve personally had my fair share of holidays that were filled with anything but those things. In fact, I used to get pretty anxious when it came to the holidays once upon a time. 

Back then, a fair amount of fear, stress, and overwhelm would build up as I begin to anticipate my family dynamics at the time, the amount of work I had on my plate to close out the quarter and the year, and the cost of everything and how I just wasn’t financially in a position for the strain.

I was a struggling college student paying my own way through engineering school. While I received scholarships and a pell grant, I still had to work multiple jobs to cover tuition and books. 

Going home those years was tough, on multiple levels. One, it meant I wouldn’t be able to work. Working over the holidays was good money. Two, it meant succumbing to the energy back home, which usually wasn’t healthy. There was a lot still unhealed and unprocessed from the residual damage of my parents’ divorce, my dad’s abuse, and my mom’s depression. 

It made coming back home extremely difficult. So, I often opted out. 

Holidays before my parents divorced were even more tumultuous, extremely tense, and sometimes downright scary. My dad, and his volatile personality, notoriously swung between the states of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, and you never knew which one would show up.

So, it didn’t take much to set him off. 

I remember I used to love when he invited single airmen from the Air Force base to join us, who weren’t able to be with their families, so they came to stay with us. I loved it as you knew my dad would be on his “best behavior.” It was afterwards that the shit shows would happen.

I can remember coming up with every way to entice our guest to stay longer, to delay the inevitable. I would invite them to have another piece of pie, or Christmas cookie, or to tell us another story. 

Anything to prolong the picturesque holiday scene.

Because once they left, something always set my dad off. And, holidays were when he was the the worst (that, and when he was drinking). It was like we tried to pretend we were this happy little family and stuffed it down so much that eventually there was an implosion and explosion point.

You never knew what shit would hit the fan.

After my parents divorced, when I was twelve, the tension in our holidays took a different turn. My mom tried her hardest to do everything she could to make the holidays nice. She would overextend herself, often times almost to the point of being beaten down. She would overcompensate, only creating greater financial strain on our already trying situation.

And, my dad still caused a host of issues. From irrational demands on time he spent with my brother and sister, to not paying child support, to still being more than scary and on the brink of implosion at any time.

We fought a lot. I mean a lot. We said ugly, horrible things to each other over the holidays. We all were hurting so much, and we definitely didn’t know how to deal with it.

So, we took it out on each other.

It’s not to say that we didn’t have good moments. The Core Four (me, my mom, my brother, and my sister) really did try. Unfortunately, sometimes we tried too hard. And, the more we tried, the more the walls came crumbling down around us.

In college, I used to find every reason possible to avoid coming home for the holidays. I would take extra shifts, and opt to work on school projects that demanded my time. I spent Thanksgiving with friends (aka, my “adopted family”). In fact, I dreaded anytime I found myself traveling the three hours south from Milwaukee to my hometown in Illinois.

I share all this because I know the how hard the holidays can be for some people. And, right now, the level of grief, stress, apprehension, and uncertainty is at an all-time high.

The holidays can be hard. 

You never know what someone may be going through. On the surface, people thought my life was fine. Only a few people knew, or had an idea, of what really was going on with my family back in those days.

I never asked for help. I never wanted anyone to know. I carried a boatload of shame and embarrassment my entire childhood. It wasn’t until I hit a few hard (really hard) rock bottom moments in my life, and was faced with some kick-me-in-the-ass defining moments that I even started to fully acknowledge the ghosts of my past.

Once I did, then the real work began.

Talk about needing to step into my own inner work. There was so much to heal. It took time for my family and I to find our way back to each other. 

And, I am so fortunate … we did.

Now, I’m so blessed and grateful that I am spending the holidays with my mom and sister. We have done so much work, individually and together, that we are able to really connect with each other and enjoy each others’ company. We look forward to being together and creating traditions.

Last year, we even got to visit my brother and his family where we all got to be together again, along with my sister-in-law, niece, and nephew. 

That’s something my heart is super grateful for as it’s been years since that happened. Talk about healing. 

So, my request this holiday season, as someone who knows some of the challenges the holidays can bring, who has experienced the dread when it comes to celebrating, to putting on a happy face, to pretending all is “fine” is that we extend and offer as much kindness, compassion, and grace as possible to others around us.

Let us be gentle. For you do not know who may be struggling, who is stuck in an abusive situation, who may be homeless and barely getting by, who is grieving, who is scared, and who is just plain lost. Or, who may feel alone and doesn’t have a family at all. 

Take this time to extend your hand, open up your heart, and reach out in love to those who may need your light.

Let’s remember what the holidays are meant to be … a space of gratitude and love. A time of forgiveness, understanding, empathy, and peace. A space for connection and community, and humanity. A space to lean in.

Many are suffering in silence this time of year, and do not need further judgement. Please remember to simply be kind, patient, and generous in your assumptions. I truly believe most people are doing the best they can. 

Wherever you are, however you are spending the holidays, please know that I am sending you love, light, and many blessings.