It’s hard for me to share my personal life sometimes. I have carried with me great shame, guilt, fear and anxiety about being judged in telling my story, and in sharing the trials and tribulations I have found myself going through.
Sometimes the fear shows up because I have to acknowledge my role in the situation, or take responsibility for the choices I made in that moment. Sometimes, it’s because I feel like I am the only one (which is crazy to think, yet the thought is very real) who has experienced such difficulties or moments of being lost, not knowing, or just like I’ve failed everyone … especially myself.
Sometimes, the anxiety takes over as I hear the haters getting louder. I let myself get caught up in the false facade of what we see every day on social media …and, I judge myself. I question whether I am enough. I question whether I have the permission I need to use my voice. I question whether I know enough, bring enough to the table, and can impact enough.
You see, I am not any different than you.
I hurt. I get scared. I falter. I make bad choices. I fail. I fall. I want to hide. I create stories. I want to retreat. I want to just be left alone. I want … to be invisible.
And, then the fire kicks in.
That fire that picks me back up. That fire that kicks me in the ass and says, “stop being so arrogant and making this all about you.” That fire that says, “you are here on this earth, in this moment, with great purpose. You are not an accident. This is not an accident. You are here to learn, to fall, to pick yourself back up, and to grow.”
That fire that shows my a glimpse of my gifts. That fire that reminds me that if there “is still fire in my belly and breath in my lungs” … then, it ain’t over. Not by a long shot.
That fire that reminds me who I am.
You see, it’s a magical, mystical design this life we’ve been given to live. Full of twists and turns, unexpected surprises, and things we may never understand. Life gives us the experience of finding our way back HOME (our higher order of manifestation and enlightenment). The way back to ourselves.
Higher Order of Manifestation & Enlightenment
The past few years have been a powerful example of my own journey HOME as I have been given lessons, challenges, downloads, and blessings in “opening to GRACE”.
It all started a little over three years ago. I found myself in the middle of a lawsuit against my business. A client I should have never taken onboard. It was a moment that leveled me. And, it was the greatest gift I’ve ever been given.
For in it, I had to face my innermost demons, and my own assessment of how I valued my worth. I questioned my integrity. I challenged my responsibility. I looked at every aspect of how I chose to show up and serve. I reflected on who I was a person, as a leader. I dug deep.
I beat myself up. I judged myself. I lost myself in all of it for a while. I cried. In fact, I cried a lot. I got angry, so angry. I yelled. I cursed. I slept. I curled up in a ball and cried some more. I felt defeated. I felt lost. I wanted to give up. I felt shame and ashamed.
I felt like I was attacked. I felt exposed and vulnerable. I felt a whole lot of things.
I tried to hide. I didn’t want to tell anyone. Yet, something kept nudging me forward. This little voice, more like the faintest whisper, kept saying, “You will be ok. You are ok. This is happening for you. Lean in. Trust me. I’ve got you.”
I listened. I leaned in and listened to that whisper.
I kept hearing that voice, that knowing. As I paid more and more attention to it, the whisper got louder and louder. I found myself calling in new spiritual teachers and the perfect, aligned guidance that before would have been way outside my comfort zone. Now, it felt natural, easy … like a perfect friend showing up at the perfect time.
As I continued to lean in, there wasn’t any area of my business or about myself that I didn’t explore at the deepest depths I could. I was ready to “do the work” being called of me. I got uncomfortable and then found myself getting more and more uncomfortable with every new level that showed up.
And, did I get uncomfortable!
Anytime I tried to hide, the light shined on me brighter. I was being seen, fully seen … and, it was fuckin’ scary as hell! No matter how much I wanted to resist what was showing up, I got download after download to stay in it. To do the work. I found myself continuing to put one spiritual foot in front of another. Layers and layers of work unfolded before me, and I realized I was doing this work whether or not I “really” wanted to.
Talk about inner work! I even recall having a moment when I was in Vancouver, working with one of my mentors in his program, where I got to speak to the trees and hand over a ton of generational stuff that wasn’t mine to carry. Cathartic cleanse doesn’t even begin to sum that experience up. In fact, my nickname that weekend was “Primordial” … seems so fitting now. Back then, more resistance as I found myself initially angry at being given that name.
As I look back over that moment and the past few years, the only way I can begin to describe what happened was that I was given a personal roadmap, and the ease and space, to understand how to open myself up to GRACE.
My path to opening to GRACE
Through this work, I realized that GRACE is the unfolding of the following aspects of who I was, who I am, and who I am becoming:
- Gentleness of my mind, body and spirit, and creating real WELLth
- Reverence for all of life, and a knowing that we are all One
- Allowing of my inner light and authenticity to shine
- Connectedness to myself, others and Spirit / Source
- Embodiment of the expansion and expression of my SOUL
I also became aware of the beautiful duality in us all. The perfect balance and harmony between the feminine and masculine within us. That the divine (healthy) feminine, and the divine (healthy) masculine, looks a little different for each of us. That our softness has many layers, and when balanced with our divine masculine, we are able to tap into the most powerful aspects of harmony, peace and health for ourselves and the work we put out into the world.
I realized that there is such an opening for us all to allow ourselves to "dance in the neutrality of the duality." To be more of an observer, a witness, versus actively participating in trying to control or push any of it. It’s our opportunity to move beyond the resistance and invite the fullness of the expansion available for us.
Our ability to open up to GRACE comes in our own non-interference, and in allowing ourselves to move into such harmony. It comes from our BE-ingness, not in our doing. When we learn how to go within, to do the inner work, to notice the triggers as guides in our journey, and to allow ourselves space to heal … our level of WELLth increases and expands exponentially.
As a mentor of mine once told me, “Allow yourself to expand until there are no edges.”
Expand until there are no edges.
Hmmmmm, how delicious is that? Imagine if …
Imagine if we truly learned how to expand until there were no edges. Imagine if we learned to lean in more instead of resisting that which is showing up for us. Imagine how much more we could access if we stopped creating stories that take us out of the game, and instead help us activate the game of life at a higher, more purposeful level.
Imagine if we stopped worrying endlessly about things out of our control. Imagine if we didn’t take things personally. Imagine if we recognized and knew our own worth, and simply noticed what showed up.
I think about the Four Agreements and the Tao te Ching (much of the work I have included in my SOUL quest over the last few years). Imagine if we truly lived our life by these principles. Imagine if we collectively leaned in o shifting the level of consciousness and raising the level of leadership. Of course, first, by starting with ourselves.
While the outcome of the lawsuit didn’t end the way I wanted, I walked away free from feeling tethered to the energy of it. I found myself more awakened, more focused, more clear of my path, and who I was in the process. My business began to thrive afterwards, as a result. I was able to clear out old energy that needed to be released.
The lawsuit, itself, was just a symptom of the inner work guiding me to my next level. It was a way to come face-to-face with my money stories, my deserving set point, and how I valued my own worthiness. It gave me the gift of me, and breathed new life into both me and my business.
I got to stand firm in my integrity and know that I showed up the best way I could. As a result, I got further connected to my core values and my ultimate “why” around doing this work. I also got clearer on my boundaries, my ideal client, my processes, framework, and expectations.
I found me in the process. And, I found my way HOME.
While the path has been rocky and often times unstable, I found myself trusting more in my own faith, and in my connection to Source. I begin to embody and fully believe in how deeply and truly supported I am in this life … how supported we all are. I have had many trials and tribulations that have come close to knocking me out over my lifetime, even as a kid.
Yet, here I stand. Firm in my connection to myself. Firm in my connection to others, especially those in my community and who raise their hands to be part of “Camp Candy.” Firm in my connection to Source, the Universe, God.
I am a person who is on an experiential journey to learn how to truly listen to my own inner voice in order to awaken and remember the I AM that I am, the connectedness to the Oneness of life, and the Knowing that I AM a powerful child of God here to fulfill my Soul’s blueprint and purpose in this lifetime, allowing me to consciously co-create and expand with the Universe.
For this is my Living Legacy. And, this is how I am opening to GRACE.
Now, this was only the first part of my deep spiritual journey in coming HOME… pre-pandemic. Of course, there was everything that showed up over the last 18 months, too. Stay tuned for Part II as I tell the rest of the story. Until then …
With love and deep reverence,