I was ready to throw the towel …I mean really, truly, deeply throw the towel in AND call it quits!
I was ready to completely shut it all down.
I just found myself at a breaking point. Everything had built up and come to an implosion point. I just didn’t want to do anything anymore … not my business, not growing emerging leaders, not training or developing people, not engaging with others or facilitating courageous conversations, not connecting, not even really doing ME.
Or, at least, the version of ME I had come to identify myself by.
November of last year, I found myself burnt out once again, and in a whole new way. The last time I felt this level of exhaustion and burnout was back in my corporate days when I seriously hit rock bottom. That was more than 13 years ago.
I found myself frustrated and judging myself as I know how to be resilient. I know how to bounce back. I know the signs when the deep fatigue, exhaustion, and even resentment kicked in.
I knew better. Or, so I thought …
I mean this is my life’s work. I help other people recognize the signs, see when the stress gets to be too much, notice when their nervous system is on overdrive, and know when they are not honoring their own space for rest, restoration, and recharge.
I help leaders lead themselves, fill their cup first, and put their oxygen mask on. And, yet, here I was … burnt out, angry, sad, checked out, exhausted and honestly wanting to throw the towel in and call the game more than I ever had before.
I wanted to be done with all of it.
All. Of. It. Every last bit of it. I want to close shop, get an easy job and just allow myself to shrink down and stop showing up in the world. I wanted everyone to just leave me alone and let me hibernate. Everything seemed so hard, so demanding, and I was taking on other people’s energy at the speed of light it seemed.
I was in so deep. I couldn’t breathe. I felt like I was suffocating and the walls were closing in rapidly and without pause. I was lost in all of the energy of 2020, my online communities and groups, my clients, the haters, the responsibility I thought I had to carry, and was frustrated in what I was feeling in watching how people were interacting with each other.
I mean there was just so much energy!
So much hate, so much anger, so much blame, so much complaining, and so much negativity all around that I felt like I was absorbing all of it. It was like I couldn’t shake it off of me. It was intertwined with everything … social media, TV, conversations, even at the grocery store.
So, I shut it down. I decided I needed space for real restoration.
I took Payton and joined a friend for a long weekend down in Galveston, at the beach. I let myself just be. I allowed room for deep healing … or, at least the beginning of it. I allowed myself space to breathe, to release, to cry, to unplug, to sleep.
It was a start. And, there was such joy in that weekend as it was Payton’s first time at the beach. Just walking the beach, listening to the waves soothed my tired soul. I had forgotten how much the water feeds my soul.
Real SOUL food.
That weekend was another opening to GRACE. There was a gentleness I allowed washed over me, body, mind, and spirit. There was a deep reverence for life that began to present and flow through me. I was able to really see myself, my authentic self, more than I had in a long while. I stripped down my identify, the labels, and the judgements I had places on myself. I leaned in to see the ME witnessing all of it.
I was able to connect back to myself, to Source, and to my why. I began to release the sense of who I thought I had to be, the should-ing I was doing all over myself, and the arrogance of thinking I was suppose to carry responsibility for all of it, and for everyone.
And, I began to feel a deeper level of embodiment in who I truly am. I starting receiving some pretty powerful downloads and allowed them to simply present. I just watched, witnessing what needed to flow, and what needed to be released. I felt the pain, I let the emotion run through me, and I listened to what I needed when it came to real restoration.
It meant taking a time out. So I did.
I pulled out as much as I could from November to March. I didn’t force anything. I simply was still. I gave myself space and grace to respond to whatever presented without any force or resistance. To just be.
I leaned in further to my own spiritual journey. I allowed myself to fully embrace the silence, and to go within. To listen to my heart, to expand until the edges softened … and, then until they were no longer there.
And, I was challenged in my stories, in my truth, in how I was choosing to show up, serve others and lead. I was being pushed to move out of the cage I created for myself and go beyond. Beyond my false identity, beyond my walls, beyond my comfort zone, beyond my head trash, and beyond my attachment to the noise.
I was being called to step up and step out in a bigger way than I ever had before. I was being called to lean in, and to step fully into the infinite.
And, so the story continues …
With love and deep reverence,