I’m not sure why, but sometimes I find myself getting annoyed and irritated at the littlest of things. I mean, there are these moments when everything sets me off. Sure I could blame the energy of the moon, or whichever planet happens to be retrograding at the moment … yet, I know it goes much deeper than that.
I feel annoyed whenever my peace is disturbed. I feel annoyed when my environment is chaotic, loud, unsettled, or disorganized. I feel annoyed with incessant chatter, or when the bubble of silence I am sitting in is popped. I feel annoyed when I can’t control things around me, especially during more working zones, my quiet space, my stillness, my just wanting to be.
In fact, I’m even annoyed at myself as I write this.
I’m actually annoyed with being annoyed (ironic, right?)
I’m over it. Seriously, over it.
Even the really little, insignificant things can push my buttons … especially when something else already disrupted my space and irritated me: the way someone eats, breathes, crumbs being left on the counter, plates in the sink, lack of attention to details, any kind of noise (e.g, humming, whistling, rustling about) … pretty much anything that breaks my sacred space of silence or distracts me and disrupt my expectations of how I think things should be.
I realize I don’t always respond the way I want to in those instances, either. I snap, I get grumbly, and I tend to be extremely short with people.
I feel on edge and unsettled.
My ego takes over completely and roars at me (and others), if I let it, and my annoyance continues to grow. I can feel it wanting to settle into my body, to take over. When it gets out of control, or has escalated because I am not being mindful, I get restless and it feels as if I want to punch out of my own body.
Yes, like I want even my skin off me.
I know this happens when I allow the trigger to take over, and I stop being present. The trigger hits when I am tired, tapped out, and exhausted. It hits me heard when I think about the last two years and this endless pandemic. Did I mention I am seriously over it! Especially this stupid pandemic. Enough already.
When my button is pushed, I try to stuff my feelings down, avoid them, or punch them in the face. Sometimes, I really do want to know what it would be like to punch anger or frustration in the face … for just a moment. Of course, I find this never-ending battle to be depleting, draining and absolutely useless when I get stuck in that cycle.
So, the question I have is: how do I shift that energy?
I feel the weight of it coming to the surface more often during this pandemic, now that my mom is living with me, and just in absorbing the fullness of the energy in the world right now. I recognize it’s not really about any of that, but truly about me and my shit.
So, again: how do I know what triggers this for me?
How do I lean into it, explore it, and understand what’s it’s trying to teach me?
How do I love this aspect of myself?
How do I shift it? I pray for greater patience and insight.
I pray for greater compassion and understanding. I pray for empathy and wisdom. I pray to hold more generous assumptions of others (and myself). I pray to learn how to love unconditionally.
I pray to walk in and extend more grace and reverence in all aspects of my life and in my daily interactions. I pray to be kinder, gentler, and more present.
I pray to see my triggers for what they are: stories, conditioning, fear … and, my ego — and, to love them, understand them, and truly listen to them. I want to learn from that, grow from them, and then release them.
I pray to be free from them, and to find my way home back to me, to God, to my truth.
So, for now, I will remain curious.
I will be softer, gentler and more compassionate with myself and others. I will extend a space for deeper grace and love. I will allow myself to witness my truth, to really listen (to the whispers trying to call to me through the noise) and allow what presents to guide me.
I will let go. I will surrender.
Thank you for this gift of deeper sight. Thank you for the ability to hear the calling of my own heart. Thank you for holding me and showing me the power of unconditional love. Thank you for guiding me and using me as a channel to bring Your message forth.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.