Where does our obsessive need for perfection come from?
In many cases, it is a direct result of our upbringing, our generational lineage, and the programming and conditioning we received as kids.
Usually stemming from the feeling of not being enough, not feeling worthy, or not feeling seen by those we seek validation and approval from as young children. Whether it be our parents or grandparents, our teachers, or even our church and communities, a message of ‘not enough’ is repeated.
In fact, our culture is built upon this preface. Just look at our marketing campaigns, advertisements, and commercials. And, don’t even get me started on the impact social media is having, especially on our youth, in repeatedly communicating a message of ‘not enough-ness.’
Also, the drive for perfection may stem from your own individual wiring. When we look at individual Human Design charts (an energetic blueprint that maps out each of our individual wiring and coding … think a personal operating plan on you), we can pinpoint areas of where conditioning may run the deepest and the narratives that might be associated with it.
For example, if one has an open Head and Mind Center (like I do), they may feel a pressure to know and to be certain. When, in all reality, that’s not how they are designed or wired. They are actually here to view the world through the lens of an abstract perspective and to see all the possibilities.
However, it’s easy to believe something is wrong, when we look to others who may have this area defined and think, “why can’t I think like that?”
When, instead, when we can embrace the nature of our own wiring, we stop comparing ourselves to others and thinking that we are broken.
Because none of us are broken. Nor, were we ever broken. Or, could we ever ben broken. Let me say that again, clearly: “You are not broken. Nor, have you ever been broken, or will you be broken. Period. hard stop.”
That is a myth, a fallacy, that keeps us believing we are not enough and that we have to prove something (strive for perfection, for example) in order to be worthy. That’s just utter bullshit. We have simply forgotten our truth, that’s all. We’ve just allowed ourselves to veer off course.
So, depending on where we absorb and amplify energy, and conditioning, from others (the openness is our charts), we can map out where the feeling of ‘not enough’ may be coming from, and the need for perfection.
All of this leads us into a space of imposter syndrome.
In the work I do with my research and clients, I have found there are really five consistent triggers of imposter syndrome that tend to show up:
- The Culture of Nice: this notion of being all things to all people. That somehow we are responsible for the happiness of someone else, or that we need to fix something for them. We strive and strive to be all the things. We bend ourselves into different pretzels trying to subscribe to whatever version of us someone thinks we should be. We demean ourselves, in the process, and play small in a quest to please others.
- Comparisonitis: we invest more time in studying other people than we do in getting to know ourselves. We watch, we observe, and somehow we find fault in who we are, as a result. We see what they have or what they are doing (often, the A track … and, not anything that’s truly real), and FOMO (fear of missing out) kicks in and rears its ugly head. We measure our own worth against that of what we perceive we see in others.
- Programming and Conditioning: again, this is the messaging we are fed from the people around us (especially those closest to us, like our family and teachers) and from our environment and experiences. We create stories in based on what we are told over-and-over again, along with what we observe or experience ourselves. Those narratives become our driving force as we seek constant perfection, and approval.
- Lack of Self-Care: when we don’t prioritize ourselves, we run the great risk of falling prey to both imposter syndrome and burnout. Again, both the culture of nice and our programming play into this. So, I also would offer does comparisonitis. We believe (and are told) that we should be of service to others. Yes, but at what cost? When we give and give and give without making sure our cup is filled, and actually overflowing, we are not able to serve anyone, least of all ourselves. We have an established belief that it’s selfish to fill our cups first. When, in actuality, it is actually selfish when we don’t. For, in order to be able to serve at our highest and best capacity, we need to pour from the overflow, not the residual crap leftover when we’re tapped out.
- Your Own Energetic Blueprint: this goes back to what I referenced as an example above. We all have a different wiring, or coding, or energetic blueprint about how we best operate and what alignment looks like. This operating plan illustrates how you use and access energy, how you work, rest, and play best, and how you engage in healthy relationships, and make the best (or correct) decision for you. It also highlights the areas you might be most susceptible to external conditioning that triggers the feeling of imposter syndrome, the need for perfection, and ultimately driving you to burnout.
We live with in a culture and society that perpetuates this idea and notion of perfection. Which, in all reality, at least in the way we currently define it, isn’t even attainable. And, the price we pay for this endless quest is high.
It costs us our energy, our focus, and our mental health. It costs us our sanity, and our peace. It’s affecting our children, and our livelihoods.
Depression is at an all-time high. Suicide rates are at an all-time high. And, I would argue that this incessant need for perfection is part of why.
So, let’s redefine and reframe the definition of perfection instead.
According to the Oxford dictionary, perfection means: the condition, state, or quality of being free or as free as possible from all flaws or defects.
What if the flaw is the way we have been defining perfection? What if the defect is that we prescribed to this limited version of perfection, and one that isn’t even real? What if perfection is just the truth of our being-ness?
What if, instead, the perfection is actually in the non-perfection?
Hear me out. We, as spiritual beings in human form on this planet, are perfection, are we not? We were created in the image of God, Source, Tao (or whatever you choose to call it). We were created from perfection, itself.
And, as Wayne Dyer used to ask, “If you take an apple pie and you cut a piece away from it, what do you have? You still have an apple pie, right?”
So, what if we are just the piece of apple pie.
If we were created from perfection itself, from Source, doesn’t then the hypothesis dictate and demand that we would be perfection, as well. That just our being-ness is enough. That is what’s actually perfect.
Because, we are perfectly imperfect, and that’s the point. We are here on a journey to come back home to ourselves, remembering who we truly are, and living out our unique Soul Curriculum to have the experiences we need and are meant to have in order to activate and share our innate gifts.
If that’s the case, then that, in and of itself, is pure perfection.
From that lens, we see that perfection is the journey, it’s the messiness inside the journey. It’s the twists and turns, and bumps along the way.
If we subscribe to this definition of perfection instead, then it also means there are no mistakes, nor can there be any mistakes. Including you!
So, the only thing not perfect is our perception of perfection. The flaw and defect are in how we think, and what we choose to believe.
Let’s take a cue from nature for a moment, shall we?
Look at two tree growing in the same environment. One tree doesn’t look at the other rtree with envy and think, “wow, I am not growing like that tree … there must be something wrong with me. I need to strive to be perfect like him.”
No, the tree just grows.
And, the trees, if planted too closely together (again, even this is also a mere perception … as who are we to say if the trees are too close), may have to adjust how they spread their roots and bend their branches.
So, one tree might be all twisted as it matures.
Yet, when we walk by, we immediately notice the twisted tree. It stands out. It calls to us. It is spectacular. It is memorable.
I like to think I am a lot like that twisted tree. Adapting and adjusting to the ways my path unfolds. Letting go of how I think I should grow. Allowing the flow of life to run through me and provide for me all I need.
For, there’s great beauty in the twisted tree. It calls to it all that it needs, whether it be sunlight or rain, nourishment or admiration. All it exactly as it should be.
And, as the twisted tree simply grows and stands proudly in the being-ness of its own purpose, it’s provided the space to stand out. The twisted tree is a reflection to see the perfection in all of it. To realize that that too is perfect.
Therefore, in all my flaws, imperfections, and nuances, I too must be perfect.
I am perfectly me. Twisted branches, and all.
I am exactly as I was meant to be.
Because, an acorn doesn’t seek to be a rose bush, does it? No. It knows it’s dharma is to be an oak tree. And, not any oak tree, the specific oak that only it can be, that it’s meant to be … perhaps, to be a twisted oak tree.
Our journey is going to twist and bend, and feel like it’s taking us off track. And, of course it’s going to get messy at times, we are here to play in the laboratory of life. We are suppose to roll our sleeves up, dig into different challenges and experiences, and test some things out.
We can’t do that if we insist on staying too clean, too rigid, and too buttoned up. We need to play … remember that concept? Yes, PLAY!
Play in the dirt, and the muck, and the mud, and the molding clay. Play with finger paints, and food, and in all the ways we can creatively express ourselves. Play in the unknown and in all the crazy rabbit holes.
It’s okay if you skin your knee, or get dirt on your clothes, along the way. It’s okay if you face is bloody, and marred, and dirty from being in the arena (reference from the Teddy Roosevelt quote: Man in the Arena). The point is you are choosing to be in the arena. To be in the laboratory of life.
And, that my friend, is sheer perfection.
That’s the version of perfection I choose to subscribe to.
The version that reminds me that I am enough. That I am more than enough. Just because. The version that says there are no mistakes, only lessons, blessings, and experiences. The one that prescribes that everything on my path, and my journey, is imperfectly perfect.
That the only flaw and defect is my way of thinking. That I have agency to decide, to choose a new truth. That I am a sovereign being. That I am the apple pie, and the twisted tree.
And, that that, too, is pure perfection.
Perhaps then, it’s the messiness that’s the real perfection after all. And, perhaps, we have the opportunity to embrace all of it in its entirety, recognizing that everything is always perfect, and is as it is meant to be.