Oh, the suffering we inflict upon ourselves with all the shoulding (and shaming) we get sucked into:
“I should go to college and get that degree. I should apply for that job. I should date or marry that person. I should start having kids now. I should be tougher and not be so emotional. I should know better. I should settle down. I should work that 9–5 job. I should act my age …
I should play smaller. I should … I should … I should … I should …”
Good grief!
How many times do we “should” on ourselves in one day? Who else do we let “should” all over us? Our parents, our friends, our teachers, our mentors, our colleagues, our bosses, our church, and even our society?
Everywhere around us, we are being “shoulded” on, and oftentimes, we don’t even realize it. Norms, traditions, programming, culture, upbringing, environment, circumstances, the past, the future, the present, fear, insecurities … the list goes on, all play into our psyche and influence the way we think and what we think we “should” do, say, think, and believe.
And all those “shoulds” from everyone else are a result of other people’s current thinking, past experiences, insecurities, fear, and inability to break free from their own limiting barriers being projected at us.
Yet, we take all of that in and internalize it as our own truth.
Which then, inevitably, leads to the heavy shame storms we blast ourselves with afterwards and find ourselves drowning in.
No wonder you feel exhausted, or defeated, or like you really don’t know which way is up. You are so busy taking on everyone else’s “shoulds” in addition to your own, burying yourself under all that crap, internalizing that nonsense and NOISE to be your truth and your reality.
It doesn’t have to be this way.
For instance, say your mother tells you that you “should” do something. You need to know that this is “should” is coming from her viewpoint of the world as she sees it in that particular moment.
That belief being limited in whatever chains she has shackled around herself, whatever filters she uses to interpret her own truths based on her programming, and whatever fears she allows to strip her power away.
Or, it also could simply be a function of her having a bad day or being distracted and not fully present in what she is saying to you.
Regardless, she doesn’t do this intentionally as a means of ill intent (usually), or to shut you down in most cases (though that could be a possibility sometimes, too). She does it more from a place of comfort, fear, and repetition, and truly from her perspective and what she knows.
She could be afraid, or stuck, or she hasn’t learned the tools to think outside her own comfort zone, so she projects all this to you as a means to simply try to protect you and keep you safe. And because your mother “told you so,” you take this on as your absolutely personal truth, as well.
When, in fact, the only truth is the decision you make on how you choose to interpret what you think and hear.
The only truth is the perspective you provide yourself. If you think you cannot do something, that becomes your truth. If you think you can, the same principle applies. If you think you “should” do something, that will become your truth, too, until or unless you choose another truth.
In order to find a new truth, you must change your current perspective.
So, let’s dig into the suffering that you tend to create when the “S” in NOISE rears its ugly head: the Shoulding and Shaming We Do All Over Yourself
Strategies to Destroy the NOISE
You are the only thing getting in your own way. Currently, you might be limited by the barriers you have created from what you were told in the past, what you have learned over the years, your prior experiences, your existing beliefs, and the excuses you have been making.
Now, is the time to change all that!
Oftentimes, these barriers and learned behaviors play into the negativity and fear you hold within your own thoughts. You currently are holding yourself back by the things you think, speak, and believe.
It is time to break free from those barriers and limiting influences and set yourself free once and for all. For your potential is limitless, if you only imagine it so and decide to embrace it fully.
That starts with unpacking the shoulding and shaming getting in your way
Strategy #1: Acknowledge all the “shoulds”
Do you realize how many times you shoul all over yourself in a given day?
Recognize that those “shoulds” and projections from others are not about you at all, and they stem from others’ own limited thinking, current perspective, judgments, biases, and fear.
Strategy #2: Remember, it’s not about you
There are so many factors that play into one’s perspective and how we view the world. Out of all these factors that affect our ability to choose, the number one thing I have found that gets in our way is fear.
Fear truly is nothing more than the lies we tell ourselves as a derivative of all the “shoulds” we surround ourselves with. Many times this fear comes from instances where our own internal mirror is being held up and we don’t like what we see projected back.
Rather than deal with what we don’t like about ourselves or the truth we see reflected back, we find an outlet or means to project outward and attack others who may trigger us as they have traits that resemble ours.
The idea of the “pot calling the kettle black” greatly applies here.
Or, better yet: “If you spot it, you got it!”
I think this sums it up pretty well. Think about that. Most of the time when people lash out at you, attack you, or call you out about something, it really has nothing to do with you at all. They are feeling vulnerable or insecure about something within themselves, and instead of dealing with their own stuff, they find someone else to pick on.
These projections then become fuel for their fire and one in which they need a reaction, any reaction, to feel justified, more in control, and validated in that particular moment. The best reaction you can have in those situations is no reaction at all. Choose to not participate.
You choosing not to participate leaves them with only two options: 1) they will find someone else to project onto, or 2) they will change their behavior and tone because they want to engage with you.
Either way, it’s a huge win-win-win.
Strategy #3: Rewrite the narrative
I urge you to stop the noise!!! Stop “should-ing” and shaming all over yourself and recognize your truths as your own. Decide what is your truth and fight for it! Stop letting others “should” all over you.
Stand strong, be empowered.
And, begin to reframe and rewrite the narrative of your life. Instead of shoulding and shaming all over yourself, find the language that speaks to your soul. Speak love to yourself. Know that you are limitless potential waiting to be manifest into form. You are the creator of your life.
For you will only know what you are capable of, what you have capacity for, and the untapped potential available to you when, and when, you choose to put yourself in the arena, rise above the story holding you back, and reclaim your power to stand in your truth.
The endless cycle of “shoulding” and shaming must come to an end. Other people’s words, actions, and thoughts are not your responsibility nor are they likely really about you.
Choose wisely what you will allow in to create your truths, what you are willing to participate with, and what you’re available for. Enough allowing the limiting beliefs, fears, and projections of others to dictate your own belief about your value, self-worth and potential.
It’s time to reclaim your power. To recognize that the “shoulds” bombarding you have nothing to do with who you truly are, and everything to do with the unresolved wounds and insecurities of those delivering them.
Make the conscious choice to stop participating in this destructive game.
Refuse to internalize the opinions and expectations of anyone else. Instead, get laser-focused on rewriting the narrative — speaking to yourself with love, compassion, and an unwavering belief in your limitless possibilities.
Be a role model and transformational leader by stepping out of your own fear and limitations and pushing past the boundaries of your own comfort zone. Dare to be bold! Dare to be an individual! Rise above the NOISE
I encourage you to start now.
Notice every time the voice of “should” creeps in, and deliberately replace it with empowering, expansive language. Become the transformation you wish to see, and watch as your life aligns with your deepest truth.
The path forward is clear. It’s time to stop “shoulding” (and shaming) all over yourself, and start manifesting the life you were born to live.
Your future is yours to create — what will you choose?