I am not someone who likes to start over. In fact, I really despise it, and I really resist it. Yet, here I am … starting over (once again).
Two years ago my world got turned inside out.
Not only did I lose my sweet Payton Wrigley unexpectedly in a blink, menopause came raging in completely kicking my ass.
All on the heels of a two-month sabbatical I had no intention of taking that had me burn many aspects of my business completely down to the ground.
And, a part of me got lost in all of it along the way.
It was this October at the Dames Funference in Denver (full circle moment as Denver was the place I started my sabbatical) that the wake-up call for how far from “me” I had gotten in the midst of all of this hit me like a ton of bricks.
I had lost my fire and spark, the pep to my step, and the tune to my jam.
As a result, I’ve been hiding.
I know that may seem a little weird for me to say that as I show up in so many ways. But, the truth is, I have been hiding parts of me away, pulling back and shrinking. Parts of me I wasn’t even acknowledging that I missed.
It’s as if two versions of me were at play: the visible presence that I built my brand on, and the uncertain me who seemed to have lost her way.
I stopped training and working out, for starters. I went from doing Camp Gladiator nearly five days a week for three years only to have everything come to an abrupt halt.
Except for my steps, from walking Ernie Banks (my new pup) mostly, I shut everything else down. And, while walking is great to offer a level of movement, it’s not nearly enough for my body (or wiring, for that matter).
The Lingering Effects of Grief
I let my grief over Payton’s death consume me for far so long. He was my soul dog, my healer, my everything. His death hit me hard, and so unexpectedly. In the matter of 24 hours, my world came crashing down.
The first six months were excruciating. For, Payton was a part of everything, including my business. I saw him everywhere and in every part of my daily routines and rituals. Even, working out.
It’s as if I could breathe in any of those familiar spaces. I needed air.
Seven months after Payton passed I adopted another rescue, my sweet Ernie Banks … who now I refer to as my “joy dog.”
Starting Anew Isn’t Always Easy
Bringing Ernie home wasn’t easy. A part of me was certain it was too soon, though I felt drawn to him as if somehow Payton led me to him.
He came with a myriad of issues: full blown heartworm, he needed to be neutered, and he carried a lot of PTSD (just as Payton did when I rescued him back in 2012).
Both my boys were abused and left to rot at kill shelters. Both were on the list to be put down. When I rescued Payton, I did so sight unseen as he only had three days left.
I paid to transport him from North Carolina to Illinois (I was living in Wisconsin at the time), and our initial meeting was nothing short of a divinely destined moment.
So many Godwinks led up to my adopting him.
I felt the same with Ernie. This time I felt as if Payton set the stage, knowing that I wouldn’t be able to lift myself above the grief until I poured that love into another fur baby.
Ernie had been at a kill shelter for over six months before he made the kill list. When he was diagnosed with heartworms, his fate seemed inevitable.
Fortunately, Austin Pets Alive swooped in and found him a foster home immediately. I adopted him two weeks later.
To say he had a lot of trauma and PTSD would be a graver understatement. He was extremely scared and reactive when I brought him home, attempting to escape multiple times and crying throughout the middle of the nights. Then came time to neuter him, and treat his heartworm.
His heartworm treatment … meant more time away for me from my business. It was a trying and heartbreaking time, our 30 days of confinement to ensure his heart rate didn’t escalate. He was confined to a crate (which he hated) for the majority of the day.
I brought him out to hold him and snuggle with him, as we both need the physical contact. I could only take him out in the backyard to go to the bathroom as walks were strictly off limits.
Ernie is a pit bull mix with a lot of energy. Between the two of us, sitting still like that for 30 days was unbearable. However, the silver lining is it created a deep space for us to really bond … which, now in hindsight, I believe made such a difference.
He is a much different dog now 1.5 years later. He is calm, grounded, settled, and just the most joyful, loving, and gentle creature. While he still has some remnants of his PTSD, he has come a really long way.
Add in Another Detour
While I was adjusting to losing my soul dog, and then adjusting to bringing another traumatized dog home and going through all his treatment, I also found myself dead smack in the middle of menopause.
Joyful, right?
Let’s just say that while every woman experiences menopause differently, it has been a nightmare for me. Out of the nearly 100 different symptoms you can have, I’ve likely experienced 99 of them, and some all at the same time.
I began to wallow in the multitude of menopausal symptoms that wreaked havoc on my body, along with my scoliosis which flared up (thanks again, menopause) and I sat in a lot of self-loathing and frustration about my body.
I was diagnosed with scoliosis at the age of 12, and until menopause came crashing in, I was able to manage my curvature fairly well with exercise. However, adding menopause to the mix really threw me off my game.
My body didn’t and wouldn’t respond in the same way.
I lost touch with my own vitality.
Don’t get me wrong, the effects of menopause have been real.
Truth: it’s been a shit show and a lot of adjustments. I am learning to honor that, along with learning to give myself some grace as I transition through this stage of my life.
That being said, I also realized that I have been using it as an excuse.
Vitality Is My Superpower
As someone who studies Human Design, I know how powerful this is in my energetic blueprint. For starters, I have Gate 46 activated, meaning my love of my own body and the vitality within it is how I create and operate best.
Add in my Gate 58, also known as the “joy junkie” and vitality becomes a theme for me in my energetic blueprint.
I need to move, I need to sweat, I need to be active and let my passion fuel me. I need to get all this energy (that many think is “too much”) released from my body. For, it’s only when I exhaust myself mentally AND physically daily that I can really tap into my aligned Strategy and Authority.
Thus, being the way I make decisions best. How I tap into in my ability to manifest and create. My ability to respond to the right “yeses” for me is a function on how dialed into my own vitality I am.
It’s the key to unlocking my magic.
And, I know this.
When I make my body a priority and nurture and nourish it per my design, I am on fire. I am bold, courageous, and creative.
I am dialed into my pulses and know how to use ALL of my defined adrenalized energy (including my two Format Channels), my powerful life force energy, and my very vibrant and passionate emotional energy.
All this energy syncs together beautifully.
When I don’t take care of my body, then things feel chaotic, my pulses are out of whack, and I feel like I am pushing a boulder up hill.
Yet, I’ve been resistant to fully access it.
As I take responsibility for all of this, I also offer myself the gracious space of forgiveness. For this realization is not to further beat myself up, but rather to acknowledge my own journey and growth along the way.
The Recent Effects of Not Being Aligned
I have given myself permission to cop out and opt out … of me. Of taking care of my body in the way I know she needs to be taken care of.
In allowing myself to sink deeper into laziness and inactivity. I have convinced myself I was tired … when it’s the inactivity that actually makes me feel that way. My body is not designed to be stagnant.
I am what’s known in Human Design as a Manifesting Generator. Meaning I am meant to work and be active. And, in my chart, I have a lot of power and propensity for a lot of energy that can build up and needs to be expended.
What’s so crazy is that I know that my vitality is the fuel for my own power.
Over the holidays, I made a big decision to shut it all down … me, my life, and my business. The stirrings of another sabbatical were calling on me.
So, I went off the grid, went dark, even on social media.
I am only now reentering back into the swing of things after being offline since December 20th. It was exactly what I needed: rest and space.
During this recent time off, I realized some things. Parts of me have been afraid, as I know how big the vision is that wants to come through.
Instead of stepping into a deeper level of that vision, I have self-sabotaged once again. I have dropped back into cycles that don’t serve me and have pulled me out of my own creative flow.
I had lost sight of my “why” in the process.
All while other parts of me have just tapped out. I allow myself to get sucked into the energy outside me and into the “not enough” narrative and let myself go down a slippery slope.
I think about the ongoing narrative that has played into that my entire life.
This narrative of needing to suffer for some reason, that I wasn’t enough or too much, and that somehow I don’t deserve what I truly desire. It’s a narrative that plagues most of us. We are conditioned for it.
But, I also realized something else … that I’m done with holding myself back.
Rising Above the Funk
I want to truly love all aspects of me. I want to feel my own strength and vibrancy again. I want to feel alive and joyful in my body.
I’m done with this narrative that keeps wanting to put a stronghold on me.
Because I am a Queen and I know in my heart that I have a f*cking mission that wakes me up in the middle of night.
Because I have a voice that needs and wants to be amplified. I am here to create movements and revolutions. And, I need to be oozing vitality in order to carry that mission forward.
Ironically, in coming back from my conference last fall, I watched a replay from my Quantum Human Design Level 4 class from a question I posed about some energy in my own chart.
The message was loud and clear:
Vitality and joy are my catalyst to activate the magical, big power inside me. I know, without a doubt, that I am here to create massive change and impact.
2025 marks a restart and the first step to a rebirth.
I Accept the Assignment
While I may not like restarting, that’s exactly what I plan and commit to do.
I am choosing me. I am choosing a more vibrant and joyful way to live. I am reclaiming my own power and vitality by honoring this body and giving her the movement she craves and needs once more.
Life is a journey, with first steps and sometimes restarts of that first step.
Yet, as we continue to grow and evolve, we learn a little more each step of the way. And, this is the dance we undertake in our human story.
In this dance, it’s often three steps forward and two steps back … and, sometimes it means starting a new dance altogether.
Yet, whichever dance we find ourselves taking, it still propels us forward.